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My Cousin is on His Death Bed

My best cousin Paul is lying in his death bed.  The hospital has removed his life support and are just trying to make him comfortable.  He would have wanted it that way.  He was not afraid to die, he new Jesus Christ is his Lord and Saviour.  And he would not want to be confined to a bed in long term care even if they could save him.

My cousin loved life.  He was a great guy.  I had many friends and he clearly ranked amongst the very best of them.  He loves his family and friends.

His wife is clearly distrought.  Although she had divorced him in order to shock him into changing his bad habits,they did remain close and I know that Paul cherished his relationship with her.

I don’t know what to say, what to do.  Because I can’t.  I can’t do anything. I feel weak and alone. Though we both tried, we clearly could not fix him.  Though others tried, he did not seem to feel as if he needed fixing.  In many ways he fixed me, many times.  But we couldn’t do anything for him.

No one wanted to enable him.  There were long periods of isolation as when we tried to make our point.  And although it often seemed that our point had sunk in, he was also a smart, clever, funny guy that knew just how to win us over again.  And we had already missed him too long.

Often I thought that he got it.  He completely understood, I am certain of it.  But he could not help himself and learned how to fool the whole world.

He isn’t fooling anyone now.  We aren’t laughing together anymore.  He does not know how sad his condition makes us, how deeply his distant soul effects us, because knowing how much he did love his family and friends, he just wouldn’t have done this to us.  He couldn’t have, if he had known how terribly this tradgedy effects us.

Still, I love that man.  He was the sober voice in many of my relationships, helping me understand where I have gone wrong.  Yet he was always at odds with his own relationship with hisself.

We all wish we would have done a better job.  But he was so good at hiding his pain.

I don’t want to miss him, ever.

And yet, I know I will, always.

Still, I pray for a miracle.  Please Lord? I know you have sent me many.  Is another asking too much?

We laughed together, even at each other once we realized the other was making us laugh harder.  We knew laughter was good for the soul and had great healing properties.  I want to make him laugh again.  I need him to laugh. I don’t want to lose him.

July 24, 2009 Posted by | The Human Condition | , , | 1 Comment